Tips for Tourists, Suburbanites and Trixies
... how to stay alive in the Big City

Unless you are from Sẫo Paulo, Los Angeles or New York, Chicago is probably a lot bigger place than you are used to. We have fabulous museums here, as well as the tallest building in the country. There are great restaurants, a beautiful lakeshore, fabulous blues clubs... the list goes on. We welcome you and your money to our great city. However, there are four million people who make their home in the city limits, and an additional 7 million who live in the metro area. We need to get on with our lives while you are shopping/sightseeing/rubber necking/photographing/commuting from Funafuti. It is wise to follow some simple, common sense rules, because let's face it: If you piss off the people who live here, you are not likely to enjoy your stay. Here are some helpful tidbits that should help you not be too annoying:

1. Al Capone is dead. Deal with that. He's been dead for a really long time. Don't ask me if I've ever met him.

2. Michael Jordan doesn't live here anymore. He is really famous and we love him - however, this doesn't mean that I know him. I can't show you his house, because HE DOESN'T LIVE HERE.

3. The facades on the buildings are indeed really beautiful. It is worth looking up to see them. You should not do this in the financial district, or anywhere in the Loop that matter during any of the rush hours: 7-9 am 11:30-1 am and 4:30-6 pm. The natives are usually in a BIG hurry to get somewhere between these times. If you are standing in the middle of the sidewalk, you will be trampled.

4. Escalators are STAIRS. Unless you are disabled, walk the stairs. If you insist on standing, do so on the right side. Folks walk up and down on the left side, and if you are in the way, you will be trampled.

5. Similarly, walk down the sidewalk on the right side, not down the middle. Do not walk at a snail's pace or in groups of twos or threes across unless you are a bad-ass gangsta teen who is ready to ignore some verbal abuse. If you don't get your slow walking self out of the way, you will be trampled. You will also get a dirty look.

6. Yes, we know: the Michigan Avenue bridge is beautiful. It is fun to stop on the side and have your picture taken. Keep in mind though that the pedestrian walkway is really narrow. If you stop and take your family's picture, you are blocking the entire bridge. It is too dangerous to trample you up here, and we wouldn't throw anyone in the river. We will ruin your picture though. Don't get in the way. You are a guest, not the focal point of the city. I still need to get to work/catch my train/get to the bank on my lunch hour.

7. It's "Illinois" - It starts with an "I" and not an "E". Also, don't pronounce the "s" at the end.

8. In the winter, we still park on the streets. However, everyone is responsible for shoveling out their own spots. Once you do the work, the spot is yours. You can mark your territory with a chair. In the best case senario, If you violate someone's territory, they will damage your car in some way. Worst case: you will be shot.

9. The "El" is a perfectly reasonable way to travel around. It is generally safe and about as reliable as any other city's public transportation. If you look frightened, freaked out, or speak with a southern accent, you are a walking target. You will be harassed in some way. It is better for you to overpay a cabbie.

10. Do not hail a cab by whistling or yelling "TAXI" at the top of your lungs. We are a civilized people and all that shouting is really annoying. Stand on the corner and wave at the cab with two fingers. If the light is on, the cabbie will probably stop for you.

Consider yourself warned. Enjoy your stay!