Whenever you need me, Cook County

Bet the Bootylicious has made it clear that:

1. it has been too long since I've blogged, and;
2. she wants me blog about jury duty.

I'm not one to deny that woman anything, so here's the whole story for your reading pleasure.

My summons came on the day of the burglary. I would call that bad timing, especially since it also came with two "final warning" letters (in separate envelopes, mind you) from the Township of Darien, IL, telling me that I owed them $250 in parking violations. That's $500, folks - a huge price to pay when you neither own a car, nor have any idea where Darien, IL is. I guess bad news comes in threes, like celebrity deaths.

The summons explained that I had to serve in Skokie. Skokie is a nice suburb, completely devoid of Illinois Nazis, thanks to Jake and Elwood. I wouldn't have minded going there, but since I don't drive, it required 90 minutes of bus riding on two different routes. I think driving it would have taken me about 1/2 an hour.

The summons had a ray of hope - it said I was chosen as an "alternate juror". This came with directions to call the courthouse a day before I was to serve to see if I had to show at all. I spent the two weeks in between the time I got the summons and the date I'd have to serve not worrying much. I was hoping I'd call and find out I didn't have to go.

But the hope turned out to be a cruel hoax. I had to go to Skokie.

The bus rides weren't so bad. I didn't have to wait long for either bus, I got seats both times, and I had a book and an iPod with me.

Upon arriving at the courthouse, I was confronted by two security guards and a metal detector. I put my backpack on the conveyer and went through the gate. I beeped. I had no metal on my person, except the zipper on my jacket. I tried to remove the jacket, but the guard got all upset - "nononononono, leave that on! What are you trying to do?" He came at me with the wand, and after zipping it up and down the front of my jacket 10 times, he was satisfied I wasn't carrying a bomb.

But I wasn't through there. The lady scanning my bag asked, "what is the electronic device in your bag? Is it a computer?" I explained to her that it was an iPod, and the guy who'd scanned my person gave me the most disapproving look I've received in years. "NO electronic devices," he huffed. My summons clearly stated that I could have a laptop, so I figured an iPod was ok. Apparently not. Maybe laptops aren't electronic devices? Anyhow, the iPod was confiscated and I was given a ticket to reclaim it.

The waiting room at the Skokie Courthouse is horrible. The seats are very low to the ground, even for me. (I'm just about 5'5") They are green and look like they were very modern back in 1955. The cushion is all but gone from the chairs. No matter. I bought a disgusting coffee from the machine and started reading my book. (Technically, Lauren's book, but we won't get into that now.) I also noticed that several people had laptops and cell phones. I wanted to ask the guard about the definition of "electronic device" but I decided to just sit there and read.

At 20 after nine, a video staring local news personality Lester Holt was shown. With no expression on his face whatsoever, he told us all about what to expect that day - what would happen if we were chosen, what a courtroom was like...

After the movie, I read my book until 11:30 when we were dismissed for lunch. Since the Skokie facility is a long walk from anywhere, I, like the others who were carless, decided to go to the cafeteria. Bad, bad choice. The cafeteria consists of vending machines. Sandwiches, soda, microwavable burritos, popcorn, and candy were the selections du jour. I got myself a diet coke and a playdoh sandwich and sat at a molded plastic table. Some ladies joined me and we chatted about how bored they were. I wasn't bored, the book was interesting. My butt was just numb. Lester Holt hadn't prepared me for that.

After a while, I tucked what was left of the Coke in my backpack and went for a walk around the facility. Discovering no sidewalks to walk on, I decided to just come back in and continue reading. Going through the metal detector again, I passed with flying colors. My bag, however, did not. "You have a beverage in your bag," the guard snarled. I looked confused, and he pointed to a sign that said, "no outside food or drink." So what, county employees can't bring their own lunches? I told him that I'd just bought the Coke in the cafeteria, and he accused me of being illiterate. "You people try this every day, but nobody reads the sign." He's right. I hadn't seen the sign. He took my Coke and dumped it out.

Anyhow, I read my book until about 2, and then several groups were called up and told to get in a line, two by two. I wasn't included. I watched as the matron showed the groups how to line up two by two, admonishing them to listen to what she had to say. "People, two by two, not single file!" After awhile, they marched out. Shortly thereafter, the matron announced that the rest of us could come and collect our $17.53. It was time to go.

I picked up my check, collected my iPod from the mean old guard, and made damned sure I told him, in my cheeriest voice, to have a "splendid day." Not receiving a reaction of any kind, I went out to wait for the bus. Waiting in line with me were the ladies from lunch. We all agreed that we expected more from our experience at the Skokie courthouse, but were glad to go home early all the same.

On my first bus, I talked with the ladies some more about manners. The too thought the guards were assholes. On my second bus I read the book. Thank goodness Illinois has a "one day, one trial" rule. I don't have to worry about being called back for another whole year.

Oh yeah, so when I got home, I finally took the time to call about the parking tickets. I'd forgotten about them. This time around, I realized that they had the last name wrong. It is a common name, similar to mine. I called the number on the tickets and explained my story. "No problem," said the lady on the line. "We've obviously made a mistake here, disregard those notices." And with that, she appologized and wished me a nice day.

Then I went and took a nap. Before falling dead asleep, I reflected upon the exciting day I'd had!