Chapter 4: The Devil Inside

Wherever there is an instance of evil in the world, you can guarantee that AT&T have had something to do with it. They are the absolute darkest, evilest creation in the world. Lucifer stands in awe of this monstrosity, but alas, even he can not achieve the supreme evilness of what has become of the once simple and pure-hearted American Telephone and Telegraph company.

They are trying oh so very hard to make my status of Condo Owner somehow less than fulfilling. As hard as I fight, I must admit, they are doing a good job of pissing me off on a daily basis.

Let's begin with a day in March - the 20th to be exact. On that day, more than two months before taking ownership of the condo, I called up my Telephone Company - then RCN, to ask if they could transfer my phone number to my new home. When I found out that they didn't service the area, I went to AT&T, because I was under the impression that SBC (Ameritech) were the true rulers of the Realm of Evil. Poor innocent me! I was in for quite a surprise.

My first call was actually quite decent. I explained what I wanted, which was very simply this: a telephone connection with no doodads like caller ID, call waiting.. just a line. The chirpy little sales chick informs me that this service is no longer available - no! I have to get FOUR, count 'em FOUR doodads, and of six, I had to choose them. The cost was about $15 more than I was expecting to pay a month, but it was still cheaper than going with SBC. The call lasted about ½ hour, and ended with the sales chick repeating my order back to me, perfectly.

Fast forward to May 14th. On this particularly rainy Wednesday, I found myself having completed changing all my utilities, contracted movers, everything. Hell, by then I'd already threatened to sue the landlord. So I began checking up on all of the utilities to make absolutely certain that they had documented everything. I wanted moving day to be as smooth as possible. And you know, everything was done exactly as I had wanted it - until I called AT&T.

When I called customer service (evil cherubs) and asked them to repeat my order for me, the-less than-chirpy customer service agent reports the following:

On March 20th you ordered local phone service, complete with cable TV and a cable modem.

I started to laugh. Surely this guy was joking. He repeated back the order once again, as somber as you will. As perplexed as I was, I didn't lose my cool just yet. I told him that the order was completely wrong, and he didn't understand how. So I explained how I wanted the closest thing to the basic service they had, and he tells me I have to pay for one month's cable.

This is where I lost it. Although I hadn't ever ordered the service, these fools thought I was going to pay to have it canceled. Fat chance. I asked to speak to his boss, and then to that person's boss. I guess you only get to talk to middle management, because I was told that the VP didn't talk to customers. I guess (s)he is too important to talk to the people who fill the coffers.

After an HOUR of explaining my story time and time again, I was finally able to get the issue settled by completely voiding the account out and starting over with a new number. As exasperated as this was, I agreed. Half an hour later, I was the proud recipient of a new telephone number that was guaranteed to be working on moving day. At the end of the conversation, I said to the agent, "now how can I be sure that my order has gone through properly? Will I get a copy of my order in writing". The agent's response, "next time you order cable, do it separately from the telephone order. Things get confused when you do both at once". I didn't have the energy to get into it with her.

If you've been reading my saga at all, and I honestly don't blame you if you haven't, you may have noticed that my service was indeed not connected on moving day. The telephone line was indeed working, but it was under the name and number of the previous owner. When I called AT&T on the 29th to complain, they asserted that someone had already been there to connect the line, but they would send someone out on the 30th to verify.

SBC and AT&T have some strange arrangement, whereby SBS supplies the lines and AT&T hooks them up for the customer. Because the customer service agent in question didn't know shit from shinola, he'd sent me over another SBC tech to come and check the problem out. Natrually, AT&T had to come themselves to connect my line to the box in the basement. This was May 30th, which was a Friday. The evil spawn at AT&T refused to have anyone come back to fix the problem until Tuesday. Of course, they couldn't give me an appointment for Tuesday, I just had to stay home all day and wait for them.

After blowing my fuse (or giving them down the road, as Bet might say), they agreed to have the technician call me at work an hour before the time they were supposed to show up. I just couldn't blow a priceless vacation day on this company.

Tuesday came and in the afternoon I get a call from Steve the tech guy. He's ready to appear at my apartment right now. Now, I'll be the first to admit that my attitude was not that of a perfect saint, but this guy was a BEAST! He positively demanded that I show up at home at the prescribed time. So I said something along the lines of " I'm at work you know, I can't materialize at my home - it takes time to travel". His response? "I'm at work too! I have other customers to deal with, I can't make a commitment for you".

Natrually I called AT&T back up and reported this asshole, and got another tech to come out. Yes, I had to go home immediately and wait for three hours, but it was worth it. The phone now works.

When I say "works" however, I am talking about the basic stuff - you dial my number, the phone rings, I pick up, we chat. However, all of those little hodgepodgey little doodads they made me get like caller ID, and the one doodad I really wanted, call forward on busy, (for my Internet Answering Machine) don't work. I have called the Devil company every single day since June 2nd, and every day I get further filled with distain. Here are some highlights:

* I have been put on hold for an eternity, only to be hung up on three times
* I have been told that the system is working properly, and that there must be something wrong on my end 5 times
* I have been told that the order was not processed properly three times
* I have been told that I will get a call back with an explanation twice, and neither time have I been called back.
* I have been told that I am entirely too demanding

You know how to get a rise out of them? You tell the phone company that you have had phone service connected in third world countries quicker than this. They don't like being compared to third world countries.

As of today, June 12, the caller ID still isn't working. They've promised me that it will be fixed by Friday afternoon. But then again, I've heard that before.